Are you okay?

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Take care of yourself.

 

I have seen a lot of people cry over a simple sentence, “How are you?” while some answer, “I don’t know.” It is crazy when you are you, and you don’t you know how have you been doing.

Some people try to cover the real issues with the things that they do. Being busy does not mean you are okay. You can be a master juggler, or a multitasker, whatever you wanna call it, go home dead tired because of a whole day of work and still find yourself empty. The truth is that you’re just gonna get yourself burned-out. You don’t wanna go at the top unhappy, right?

Sometimes people even pass on their issues to other people. That’s where gossips come out. Or betrayal, or selfishness or oppression.

Don’t neglect the issues of your heart. It is one thing to not make a big deal of emotions sometimes but it is also one thing to check your heart. Remember that “your heart  is the wellspring of life”(proverbs 4:23). Out from the heart comes the issues of life. When the water in the well is contaminated, that water is dangerous. The words that we say, the actions that we do are the manifestations of what we have in our hearts. So when your heart is not okay, your words and your actions will speak for you. Some people try to bring others down because they have jealousy inside of them. When people are negative, they are actually unhappy and when they are unhappy, they could be hurt.

Deal with it. You cannot just cover wounds with band-aid. You have to clean them and put medicine for them to heal. Some people try to cover wounds and only to find out they got bigger overtime. When the damage was bigger, it was already difficult to heal. Time does not heal. God does. When you leave the wounds open, time makes it worse. Deal with it as soon as possible. Relationships suffer because things are kept and most of the time, not dealt.

Free yourself. God wants to see you happy. And you deserve to be.   If you think things are not right, or some of your relationships are not right, and some things must be fixed. It may take time. It may cause you to gulp that one glass full of pride, but it is worth it. Believe me, it’s waaaaaaaaaay better to live a life lived in freedom. Because when you are free, you would be happy.

 

 

 

into the rain..

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The moon is out of sight tonight. I hear them hundreds of raindrops falling on the roof. Cars were busy rushing home.  I can’t look far even if I try to look out of the window.  The voices of people around me seem to sound like the sound of the rain. This should be a happy day. Now that school is over and rest days are yet to come, this should be a happy day.  Now that I can not just stare at my pillow but give myself a luxury sleep whenever I want to, this should be a happy day. Now that the dilemmas of juggling between school and work is over and I see worry-less days ahead, this should be a happy day.

But just when you thought everything is falling right into place, you recognize something inside of you isn’t.

I see that you heart is out of somewhere. Must you be walking at the rain right now? Should I recognize you are happy or should you seem to be looking for something?

Or someone.. I guess?

I know you heart have found the missing piece. God has found you a few years back. You have felt contented before and you promised. You promised that pieces would never be missing again. No one is gonna get them from how it is shaped right after it was unpuzzled.

But I feel you heart is looking for the heart that matches yours. The one that is designed  and destined to beat as one with you.

Should I feel great because you already recognize  that now that you are complete and filled you are meant to overflow and spill out? Or should I be worried because you might be acting at the rush hour.

You, my heart is loved. The heart that matches yours, might not be with you right now, but I know he is out there somewhere, being loved, not by you at this moment, but the one who authored, something that is yet to come for you and him.

Stop walking outside at the rain. Come home to me and let’s not be sad and hold on together to the promise told for us.

You my heart, is just  lovesick. :)

The woman at the well.

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I am guilty and I know it. I am the woman of many lovers.

Today I met God at the well. I was about to draw water from the well. I was thirsty. I had been for a long time actually. When I was about to draw water, a Man of white robe came and talked to me. I had to stop and looked at the face of that Man with the big but pure voice. He spoke gently but His voice thundered in my heart. “Will you give me a drink?”, He said.

A while ago I was about to draw water from that well because I was thirsty. I wanted to satisfy my thirst. I thought that was it. That drinking from the well will satisfy me and it’s done. I recognized He was the owner of the well. But why is He stopping me? Why is He asking me for a drink?

It felt like that. Today I went to His Presence to had a fill of God. To experience God. I was overwhelmed by the weight I carry. I felt like I was about to explode with all those emotions. I felt like the woman at the well. The woman with five husbands. When I thought I was about to enter into His Presence. He acknowledged that I was in a deep pretense.  I thought that my efforts of saying sorry and crying would bring me closer to Him. I thought that would satisfy me. Then God came in, He said, “Before you can have Me, Can I have You first?” “Before You can come into Me, Can I come into you first?” It’s like telling me that, “Yes, you want Me. But I want you more than you want Me. Before you acknowledge who you are to me, what you have done or how have you been, can I just tell you that you mean more than that?” “Can I just tell you how I’ve missed you?”

Many times we are like that. I am like that. When troubles or struggles overwhelm me, I go to God for healing. It seems like God is a doctor and we are the patients. We think that by pouring out we would get healed. By pouring out you set yourself free, but it’s by His love that you get healed. It’s His wanting and longing for you. It’s more than your acknowledgements of all the wrongs you’ve done. It’s His heart that wants to ravish you with the weight of His love. Because sometimes, that woman of five husbands knows she’s thirsty, that woman knows she’s guilty.  She may acknowledge what she has done, but it’s the Owner of the Well and the Living Water in it Who knows the real issues of her heart. You may go to God, tell Him the things you’ve done but unless God breaks your heart You will not know the real condition of your it. The woman in the well told God she has no husband. She actually has no husband but God was pointing out the how her heart went after those five issues of her life. You may not have five husbands but maybe you’ve went after things or issues that only God can exposed. Today God told me, “You went on chasing after answers of all the questions you have for your troubled heart. You thought about the answers and you forgot, I have all the answers.” It’s dangerous when going after the answers of all your problems take the place of going after God. He will answer you, He will help you and will never let you down, but “Will you give Him a drink?”

Face to face..

It was past the hour of 2 in the afternoon. The last thing I remembered, I was lying in my friend’s bed. I looked around, I was still there. I was not in a dream. It’s just that the lights were turned off. The two friends that I was talking to before taking a nap was also sleeping at that time. Why I was awake, I don’t know. It was too hot maybe. Or maybe I just had enough sleep that my body can’t take another hour. Or maybe… God wants to talk to me.

I looked around. The room was dark at the moment. All I could hear was the sound of the fan and the television outside the room. I was with two people, but I felt alone. I looked up tried to stare blankly at the ceiling. The ceiling looked like the sky when it’s night. It seemed like I was looking at the vast expanse of the night sky. I was a lonely soul.  I  seemed normal before I slept but I felt bare when I woke up. My struggles, my loneliness, my hurts, frustrations and weight of the things I carry felt real. Maybe I was suppressing them for a long time. That moment, the volume of the world has turned low, I was exposed to the reality, that I was actually carrying baggages. As I lay uncovered, still staring at that dark space, I realized, that there was a God looking at me.

My small face, the one I carry everywhere I go, the one that has smiled and laughed a lot, the one I put make-up to, to call me beautiful, the one that has struggled with so much insecurities, the one that hid the real issues of my heart, was looking at the eyes of that big face, so big that I actually think it covered the entire ceiling. He was looking at me even while I was still sleeping. And with those stares that cut deep through me, I felt whole and beautiful. With all those baggages I was carrying, I seem to be a beautiful sight. I know, right at that moment, was a face-to-face encounter with God.

For a long time, I was in a season of dryness. I tried to find ways to feel God again. I searched for ways to enjoy the same communion I had before. But it was a long season of silence from the Lord. I mean, He speaks to me, but it was different from what I once had. He felt real at that time, it’s as if we were staring at each others eyes. Then tears flowed and filled my cheeks. I wanted to scream and tell Him the things I have in my heart but I couldn’t. I couldn’t help it, I was broken. Then I whispered, “I want more of you”. Those were the words I kept repeating over and over again. I couldn’t say something else. All my tears explained all my pains. It was my way of pouring out and that experience was His way of saying, “I know. It’s going to be okay.”

You know God, He never really leaves you. He can’t just do that. and even if all you’ve done is a mess, you are still a pretty sight.

dear-diary

 

May mga bagay na akala mo dati hindi mo kayang lampasan.

Mabuti nalang hindi lahat ng akala tama.

Yung mga bagay na iniyakan mo ng balde-baldeng luha, mga bagay na pinagsisihan mo kung ba’t mo pa pinasok, mga bagay na nung nangyari halos ay pinasan mo na langit at lupa. Yung mga bagay na nag alis ng tapang mo pero naglabas naman ng uri ng tapang na kaya mo palang harapin ang problemang hinaharap mo.  Mga bagay na nagdala ng panahong di mo na gustong bumangon sa higaan. Mga panahong ang pagtulog ang tanging paraan para di mo maisip ang sakit. Panahong nagagawa mong tumawa pero mahirap maging masaya. Mga panahong ang tanging salitang bumabalik-balik sa isip mo ay “Bakit ako?”.

Oo, tamang yung mga bagay na nangyayari sayo ay kagagawan mo. Pero may mga bagay na kailangan pagdaanan para matuto tayo. May mga bagay nga natutunan ng kusa, may mga aral na nakukuha pagharap ng pagsubok.

Hindi lahat ng umiiyak, mahina. At hindi lahat ng mahina, talunan. Yung iba, mahina nga, umiiyak pero lumalaban.

Sabi nga nila, pag may pagsubok kang pinadadaanan, daanan mo lang. Wag mong tambayan.

Hindi naman nagtatagal ang bagyo. Lahat ng bagay may katapusan. Maari kang umiyak ngayon at sa susunond na mga araw. Pero hindi ibig sabihin sa susunod na mga panahon iiyak ka pa rin.

Yung mga bagay na dati mong iniiyakan magugulat ka na lang isang araw hindi mo na mararamdaman.

 

v       When I think about the throne of God, I think about a GLORIOUS PLACE. Bear with me, I don’t have enough knowledge about it. I haven’t read the bible entirely so I don’t exactly know if it is described in there. But there are times when I’d wonder how it looks like. Maybe it is a place surrounded by angels with a Majestic Throne where the King of Kings is seated. There would be times when I’d just think of The Father seated on His throne. And I’d realize, it’s too amazing too think of.

 

I’d imagine myself infront of it. Can I even come near it? I’m so sinful I know I can’t even come close.

Then I’d later realize, I am a Daughter. Which also means I am a “princess”. I am part of His family. And family members stay close together. A father does not say to his son or daughter, “Just stay right there ‘coz I’m too powerful.”, or, “I’m your dad, we have to make a distance.”

Jesus is not like that. He even left His throne and paid everthing for me to be close to Him. Which means, He wants me more than His throne.

So my thoughts would continue, and this time, when I think about His Throne, I see Him seated on it. And comes this little girl, who wants to spend time with her Daddy. She comes running to this Seat, and climbs up to sit on the lap of her Daddy God and she goes on kissing Him on the cheeks and hugs Him.

 

I don’t know if you’d agree with this. Thoughts like these usually comes when I’d go sweet with my Papa. I just want you to know that GOD IS CLOSER THAN YOU THINK. He even left His throne to be with you.

 

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I want to walk with you in the cool of the day.

I wonder how it feels like holding your hand,

how it feels like walking under the sun and feeling the wind at the same time,

how it is to walk with my slippers or run with you in my sneakers,

how it is to be stared by you while I try to stare at the bright sun, as if I can.