It was past the hour of 2 in the afternoon. The last thing I remembered, I was lying in my friend’s bed. I looked around, I was still there. I was not in a dream. It’s just that the lights were turned off. The two friends that I was talking to before taking a nap was also sleeping at that time. Why I was awake, I don’t know. It was too hot maybe. Or maybe I just had enough sleep that my body can’t take another hour. Or maybe… God wants to talk to me.
I looked around. The room was dark at the moment. All I could hear was the sound of the fan and the television outside the room. I was with two people, but I felt alone. I looked up tried to stare blankly at the ceiling. The ceiling looked like the sky when it’s night. It seemed like I was looking at the vast expanse of the night sky. I was a lonely soul. I seemed normal before I slept but I felt bare when I woke up. My struggles, my loneliness, my hurts, frustrations and weight of the things I carry felt real. Maybe I was suppressing them for a long time. That moment, the volume of the world has turned low, I was exposed to the reality, that I was actually carrying baggages. As I lay uncovered, still staring at that dark space, I realized, that there was a God looking at me.
My small face, the one I carry everywhere I go, the one that has smiled and laughed a lot, the one I put make-up to, to call me beautiful, the one that has struggled with so much insecurities, the one that hid the real issues of my heart, was looking at the eyes of that big face, so big that I actually think it covered the entire ceiling. He was looking at me even while I was still sleeping. And with those stares that cut deep through me, I felt whole and beautiful. With all those baggages I was carrying, I seem to be a beautiful sight. I know, right at that moment, was a face-to-face encounter with God.
For a long time, I was in a season of dryness. I tried to find ways to feel God again. I searched for ways to enjoy the same communion I had before. But it was a long season of silence from the Lord. I mean, He speaks to me, but it was different from what I once had. He felt real at that time, it’s as if we were staring at each others eyes. Then tears flowed and filled my cheeks. I wanted to scream and tell Him the things I have in my heart but I couldn’t. I couldn’t help it, I was broken. Then I whispered, “I want more of you”. Those were the words I kept repeating over and over again. I couldn’t say something else. All my tears explained all my pains. It was my way of pouring out and that experience was His way of saying, “I know. It’s going to be okay.”
You know God, He never really leaves you. He can’t just do that. and even if all you’ve done is a mess, you are still a pretty sight.